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2003-01-01 - 12:46 a.m. The current mood of apexx420@yahoo.com at www.imood.com

note: comments don't work until i pay $$$.

feeling: a little vicodented. also, high. hearing: squarepusher, minutemen, dr. dre, jets to brazil

another sprawling mindscape, or when is the last time you were actually alone with me, for real?

i like to think my subtlety has not been a total failure.

sometimes, being understated has its drawbacks.

but if i have done anything to make a girl like me, it's usually something like being polite and respectful, show sincere interest in her life, or make time for her when i have none...

but there's something intangible about her, like the weight of a dream, and for some reason, at the moments when i am my most alone, like immediately prior to drifting off to sleep and deep inside my head on a long commute, she seems to float into my conscious mind...

and i like it.

i tend to choose my battles wisely, it's something i am blessed and cursed with. mostly, i tend to accept the situations i am presented with and flow fluid and smooth like water. i actively try to not make waves and actively try to fit into the background more than i try to make myself stand out. i would rather be forgotten. it's simpler for all involved that way...

all that remains is to flip the switch...

to choose to act at the precise moment it matters...

to have something worth fighting for.

this seems to be rather complicated in my head. i know what i feel and understand why i feel it, but the fact that it is more difficult to express than it is to feel tends to indicate that it is greater than i can comprehend.

i know that i am not truly afraid of consequence. what will be, will be. i believe i may be just pragmatic enough to know exactly how to not bury myself under new and exciting forms of hassle.

but there's me again...

over analyzing and intellectualizing everything.

that's probably just the vicodin and perfection talking...

i love it when i am lost in the moment, when i forget i exist and i stop existing as myself and am little more than the physical embodiment of the task at hand getting done.

bob dylan wrote propaganda songs.

we're all fucked up. no one knows this more than me. sure, we've all got our selves that we show people, and most of us at least know how much to show at what times to cause people to not run away screaming. you'd be lying, however, if you didn't admit to having shit happen to yourself that you don't tell everyone. no one has had a perfect life. we're all trying to come to grips with the fact that daddy wasn't there, or touched us, or is also our brother. it's not what has happened to you, it's how you got over it. that's what defines you as a person. otherwise, you're just not over it, and that is much, much more problematic.

same thing with relationships, i guess...

every relationship i've had has been good at one point or another. some were real good, but i've got those memories burned into my brain, and i love it. they all also were pretty bad at points, and they all mostly stagnated towards the end and then they all had an end. i've learned a lot from all of them, about myself, about women in general, and about the other half of the relationship, too. mostly, i try to stay friends with the people i invest a lot of time in, and whether it takes me or her or both of us years to blow off the steam and hatred or just a few months, we tend to remember we're both pretty cool people at some point and can share some coffee and conversation about whatever tables itself...

bistromathics.

but here we go again...

me, being pretentious and egomaniacal.

i like being humble. i don't take compliments well, even if they're sincere. i don't know why. i can say good things about myself if pressed, but i'd prefer to let my actions speak for me...

the problem here is by the time you've shared enough time for a girl to notice that you're a good person, you're not sure if she wants anything to do with you beyond friendship...

and what is there beyond friendship?

a physical relationship!

what does that lead to, you say?

-std's, like children.

-getting addicted to each other.

-someone being overly possessive if it's an open relationship.

-cheating, if it's an exclusive relationship, or even worse, not being able to trust the person.

...

and the good stuff, which we all know a little about and which i won't get into.

so where is all of this going?

i wish i knew the future, i really do. i'd probably have more money...

but maybe it's time to rethink falling in love, and just let it happen if it happens on its own and is not forced...

it is nice to have someone to wake up to, though, isn't it?

...

in other news, i had the beginnings of a root canal today. some of the worst pain i've felt in a long while.

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this is long winded and wanders a bit... - not caring at the speed of light...


this is not good music.

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