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feeling: anxious. hearing: sqrpshr, erik sermon, radiohead
what do you want to do today? violence.
what else is there to say?
another boring day where i am not challenged.
i didn't even get to see anyone get hurt.
i don't think any of you reading this know what it feels like to have no one at all understand you...
to have to have a personality cafefully honed enough to give the impression of relative normalcy consistent enough to keep even your closest friends from asking questions...
to be so alone that you can't even think of one person like you...
to know that even the females that seemed to see something in you, seemed to get the closest, all ran when they began to catch glimpses of your true nature...
to know that they still couldn't have been further away.
yet, i tend to maintain purely casual, nonsexual, intellectual friendships with the minds that have affected me most.
it eases my mind a bit to be able to exchange ideas unfiltered.
i've been disillusioned by television and movies and media in general to believe that there is hope for me.
all i can do is wait to die and try to distract myself from my self for as long as i can.
to be consantly full of the emptiness of nothing, indifferent and neutral.
i guess i'm just down on reality lately because things aren't going my way if they go anywhere at all.
i'm thankful for the friends i've made. if they didn't see something in me, then i wouldn't be doing my job.
however, i wish i could bend reality to my will. that would be great. instead, i have to take things as they come and continue on my path. who knows when an old friend could become a lover, or just how much one person can hate you for being yourself?
take it apart...
put it back together...
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be destroyed by yourself - 2005-05-30