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feeling: score! a complete thought! go me! hearing: underworld - littlespeaker; but there's some spiritualized in there, too...
where i am now, i still smell her...
i don't know...
i just don't know.
what the fuck is going on lately?
well, work is work, as usual. getting more and more comfortable with the medium i interact with. that's good. it's a job, which entails waking up and being places on time, which sucks, but what are you gonna do?
my friends are still the kick-ass-ed-est. i love them all to death.
sex happens from time to time. i don't know if i am jaded, or spoiled, or have grown to require a higher level of sexual interaction than most people, but even if i get the nook, i am never fully satisfied, and mostly disappointed with myself. i seem to be out of form. anyone care to practice with me? it would benefit the both of us as i have much to teach and much to yet learn.
and for all the good i've done, for all the good that's been done to me...
i worry about slipping up and falling in love.
i must not waver.
i worry about anyone falling in love with me.
double fuck that.
what sucks is that the ultimate decision rests upon the female anyway and still...
still the males must initiate everything.
it's a blunder of a mindfuck and jah has truly done well on keeping it interesting here.
if you find yourself falling in love with me, do yourself a favor...
re-evaluate what you are doing.
if that means a drastic change in your course of action, then so be it.
you are treading deep and dangerous waters and please consider the grief and suffering involved with what lies below.
because for all the happiness and pleasure and wonderful things that you think you see on the surface; you are blinded by what you want to see.
i found out early on that i couldn't hear what other people are thinking. i wish i could, but i didn't get that one. maybe in another life...
for every smile i have smiled, each was further enhanced by the sorrow and pain and sadness and tears that i have experienced. for every negative emotion, for every feeling you want over now, there's the polar opposite that you wish would last forever.
the passing moments of our lives.
i really feel like a mass of old magazines, oily rags, paint cans, and scrap wood that is waiting for the perfectly improbable energetic occurrence to initiate an epic blaze where nothing is spared.
i've been blinded by love before.
i had some good times.
i made decisions based upon my expectations rather than acting in the moment.
remember, decisions seperate thoughts from actions...
and that's what your soul is for...
yes, no, whatever...
your brain comes up with the schemes, your body acts them out, and your soul gets to decide which ones get the go ahead and which ones stay in your imagination...
and i have suffered because of my decisions...
sometimes inadvertently, sometimes intentionally...
but whatever comes my way i accept and move on.
i try to share whatever i can when i can.
and sometimes it works out.
sometimes it doesn't.
yet still, i maintain that i could die today and have no regrets.
wherever i am, every past decision i've made has led me there and everything from my past is passed is gone is perfect. given the chance, i would change nothing. not one thing.
and were i to die tonight, i would die happy.
and were i to live for a hundred years, i would die happy.
every life has a beginning, middle, and end.
if you're not being born, you're dying.
what does this have to do with anything?
well, if i fuck up, i fuck up.
gain a friend, lose a friend, que sera sera.
nothing ventured, nothing gained.
just do not fall in love with me.
remember, i give what i would like to get.
but maybe i'm just waiting...
waiting for that magic that made me fall in love with...
and maybe i was just young, inexperienced, immature, but whatever forces caused us to come together are still and always will be at work, even if we actively try and resist them.
let it go and it overwhelms you.
well, i'm not falling in love any time soon.
i'm not trying not to fall in love, i will not fall in love.
prove me wrong.
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be destroyed by yourself - 2005-05-30