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feeling: blah. hearing: armor for sleep
to fail, and to be failed...
recovering from depression is like building a bridge across the atlantic ocean with legos.
lately i've been feeling like i'm drowning in a sea of stupid people and it's raining bricks.
and what do i do?
at least i'm mildly upbeat, hopeful, and confident.
in current events, there was paintball on sunday with streetlight. it was awesome. lots of bruises. good times.
also, i'm pretty sure i've lost my cellphone, so please, if you're trying to get in touch with me, leave me a voicemail, which i still check, and i'll get back to you with where i can be reached.
note that the internet works, too.
feeling empty inside, at night before i sleep, when i'm the most lonely...
sometimes i wish i'd fall asleep and never wake up...
but who doesn't?
i'm just riding the waves.
it's a matter of feeling like i'm failing myself a lot lately.
i need to retool my life again...
i don't know what causes me to lay around watching mindless entertainment on television instead of just going home and going to sleep...
it just happens.
i don't know why i am so easily distracted with such dire consequences.
i don't know why sex is more important than a relationship to me.
i don't know why i am so caustic and cynical.
i don't know what to do to change any of this.
i keep making to-do lists and never go back to them.
i make a sliver of an effort to get organized and then forget about it.
it feels like i'm giving myself up for no actual gain.
i'm descending into a pit of failure and burning the bridges i need to get out.
it sucks ass.
i need to sit down with some friends and some coffee and some free time and get some balance back.
why is it that other people's misfortunes amuse me?
i am not really all that comfortable right now and i need to do a lot of laundry.
don't worry about me. i'm fine. once i actually get something started, everything will change.
maybe tonight i'll clean out my car...
or clean my room...
or pay my tickets...
or deposit my checks...
or actually find my cellphone...
check back tomorrow to see if i've actually accomplished something.
oh, and if you're keeping score, i'm going to lock this diary soon...
that, or start it over fresh.
read the backstory while you still can.
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be destroyed by yourself - 2005-05-30