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feeling: looking for myself. hearing: modest mouse - i need more mp3's on my laptop.
anyway, as we all know.
i wonder, sometimes, if i am doing all i can to be the best me i can be.
it's pretty easy for me to be myself, but sometimes, i feel like i'm being a little too complacent, just sliding with no real direction...
my love life is mostly stalled, and it's about to get stuck in a snowdrift, what with the season fast approaching...
work, aside from getting a raise, has been getting progressively worse and worse and harder to deal with as the days grind on. fortunately, i made a decision today to change things. hit me up in a private discussion if you want to know about it. i'm trying to keep it a little down-low for now. rest assured, it's a big risk, but i have a good feeling about it.
but to speak of how i have been feeling lately, mostly very dry and drab, no motivation or drive, empty. because of the routine cycle of work and how the shit flows down, i end up spinning my wheels a lot and rather frustrated at times. sucks.
still, as i type this, i feel glad that i am not trapped in a smothering relationship. i'd rather be alone than buried. i'd rather be dead than be married. i'd rather kill myself than have children. poz.
so yeah, snowboarding...
it's coming. soon. i can't wait. sweating your ass off when it's freezing cold out. going fast. the feeling of pulling off a perfect carve...
it's all going to be here. i'm ready.
snowboarding is very wet.
work is very dry.
music is wet.
commuting is dry.
friends are wet.
colleagues are dry.
girls are wet.
wives are dry.
i'm not just trying to get my feet wet. i want to do a cannonball and then go diving for pearls.
i feel like my cup is getting close to being empty. i need to fill it up again. i want my spirit to burn with love and energy again. i feel so fucking stupid and lame and corporate. i mean, i do all i can to stay outside that mess, but does putting your shirt-tails inside your pants really make you a better person? when does a tie become a noose? when i have scruff on my face or the wrong color shoes on, does that somehow impede my ability to make a circuit complete? fuck that.
i want to run naked through the desert and drink a beer from god's mule.
maybe i don't really have any point, just like life, here. i know i don't want to be like the people i see every day, and no amount of money can change that, no amount of nice things can change that. if i'm not complete on the inside and happy with what i'm doing, not just tolerating it, then i am truly...
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be destroyed by yourself - 2005-05-30