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2004-09-13 - 2:10 a.m. The current mood of apexx420@yahoo.com at www.imood.com

note: comments don't work until i pay $$$.

feeling: much more seratoned hearing: armor for sleep, radiohead, texas is the reason

staple guns make bad hats...

i've been thinking for a minute or two, and i just noticed i've thought my way into two fucking ten in the morning...

anyway...

read this shit pretty carefully and see if you can apply it to your life.

recently, i've been ranting on and on about how unhappy i am.

a quick step back reveals some more reassuring things...

such as:

i don't have a girlfriend to tie me down and sap my energy trying to keep her out of the danger zone.

i can do whatever i please, generally within reason and mostly within the law.

i don't have to run it by anyone.

i am free to make my own decisions devoid of anyone else's opinion...

unless of course, i feel like asking someone to give me their opinion.

and looking down on it objectively, it is fucking wonderful.

i might tell you i'm probably coming to your party and if something comes up that i deem more important, i will give you the courtesy of respectfully declining because i respect you.

i don't have to worry about the crap i am going to have to put up with for the next n months if you think you can decide what degree of importance anything carries for anyone but yourself.

and i'm kind of sorry i missed this alleged party, but i don't regret it. i made the right decision, and i'm sure you had a good time. the beauty of friendship allows for this type of thing. it's written somewhere.

usually around a year in to any relationship i've ever been in, i tend to get jealous of my single friends and their freedom. i guess it could be wanting what i don't have, but it has always been a positive indication of the impending end of said relationship. it's always fun to get to know a new person, but if you start to forget to take a regular step outside of yourself to turn around and examine the situation you find yourself in, you are going to end up in a loveless, empty shell of a relationship or worse, a loveless, empty shell of a relationship with kids.

that's failing.

that's being a loser.

wait, no...

that's being a loser, and a loser parent.

not a parent who is a complete person who has lived the shit out of their life and has consciously made the decision to give up their freedom to take on the task of constantly devoting their time and energy to unconditionally loving another fresh human being.

take apart your life on purpose, make sure you're living for yourself, first and foremost.

sounds selfish, doesn't it?

it is.

but...

the only way you can actually be a complete and whole person, and thereby be a person worthy of love, is to be selfish enough, for a period of time, to totally be exactly sure who you are...

chase those stupid dreams, and if you fail, at least you tried...

don't settle and get stuck in a relationship because you're afraid of being alone.

would you want to date someone who is only with you because they're afraid of being alone?

fuck that noise.

now, back on irl, i see quite a few relationships...

some disappoint me.

some impress me.

most disappoint me.

i've felt the warmth of love before.

i've been bored and tired of who i was with, and i stuck with them, because i thought i was the type of person who doesn't give up on someone he loves...

big mistake.

i don't regret it, absolutely not.

it shows me i am capable of perpetuating if need be, but it only drew out the recovery and healing time required for two genuinely cool people to realize that it's fun to hang out sometimes and not need to spend every fucking moment of the little time they have on earth agonizing over whether or not the other was thinking of them.

i've made some beautiful mistakes and had some serious fun so far, i can't wait to see what's next...

but...

chemical romances never work out...

if you're in a relationship, ask yourself, if i just met this person, could i fall in love with them now just as hard as i did in the first place...

letting go and remembering fondly is much more noble than just giving up and letting the relationship stagnate until you want to kill yourself with boredom...

ask yourself, am i making memories that i am going to look back on and smile or am i just avoiding a breakup because i am a pussy?

get over it, grow some balls, and think of yourself.

it just sucks being the guy who wants so bad to be happy and doesn't notice himself falling out of love.

maybe i'm being a bit esoteric here, but most people have fallen in love and been in relationships and been through breakups and have been happy before...

i'm just trying to record my thoughts so i can learn from my mistakes.

alright, so i've just thought myself into two twenty-nine in the morning.

as always, ymmv.

work in t-minus five point five hours.

click to comment - 4 as of now

depth. - lying to yourself...


this is not good music.

you can hate me now.

check this out! it's a toilet full of poop!

welcome to central industrial. we are the future.

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