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2004-10-14 - 11:39 p.m. The current mood of apexx420@yahoo.com at www.imood.com

note: comments don't work until i pay $$$.

feeling: like i'm bleeding inside my chest. hearing: ambient noise

diaryland drama, part n+2.

source

italics indicate quoted material.

1st of all. . . why does this have to be for the entire internet to be reading?

you know, i could ask you the same question. my answer is: i post to learn about myself, and so that others can learn from my mistakes. not a crime, is
it?


do you gain such pleasure of everyone knowing about your shit?

this is merely what i am comfortable sharing with whoever wants to read it. if you don't like it, don't read it. there's even a part of it that i keep to myself. you don't want to know what i write there.


ex-lover? i didn't know we were lovers.

sorry. i was trying to be pleasant. let's just stick with ex-fuckers.


And I am not in denial, yes, I fucked up.

first i've heard of it, except that part where i lived it.


I am a completly horrible person for fucking up and doing this to you.

just in case that was supposed to be sarcastic, i'll remind you that text does not convey sarcasm. in case it was sincere, i'd like to point out that making a mistake does not make you a horrible person. however, nothing about the acts appeared accidental. it does occur to me that maybe five or ten minutes into a make-out session is a good time to realize that an ex-fucker is in the room and awake and maybe you should give him the common courtesy of curbing your s3x0ring. twelve or so total hours is just blatant disrespect.


Maybe there is something wrong with me for losing people I care about. Maybe I tell them too much without getting anything back from them. Perhaps I should shut up and let them 'figure me out' instead of coming out and telling them how i feel about them

forcing feelings on anyone causes uncomfortable situations. forcing your feelings on someone while expecting a certain response causes problems. it is a good thing that i have figured you out enough to know that i can't trust you to respect my wishes and my personal space and the fact that i am in the room while you decide to get your freak on. it's also much to my benefit that i have figured out that an actual relationship between you and me beyond just being fuckers would not and could never work.


And whom are these people you speak of that I have created a fucked up situation for?

everyone your actions and decisions caused me to have extended conversations with to try and rationalize why i feel the way i feel.


Are you telling me not to come around anymore because you dont want to see me, or really because you have everyone against me now?

no, i never said that, although you seem to feel guilty for something. me making a request like that would be immature and childish, and instead of doing something immature and childish, i will do the mature thing and remove myself from any situation where i would have to interact with you, much like i did tonight. you repulse me.

and you can also cut this passive-agressive victim bullshit. anyone i have talked to about this is able to make their own decisions based upon the truth and facts of a situation i lived. i was there both times, as you most certainly recall.


Are they really that involved with this?

doubtful. the only involvement they have is being good friends listening to another friend talk about two bad times he had and helping him feel better about himself. that's what friends do.


And here's the shocker. . . you seriously considered me a candidate for a relationship?

honestly? yes.

and man, oh man... am i biting my tongue on this one... i really don't know why, after all the disrespect sent my way... but press the issue and i'll be happy to share.


then why never say anything. . . why was it always just emotionless?

because i have a reasonable degree of control over my emotions and don't need to be fawning over anyone at this juncture in my life. you were the one that continually tried to force emotional response out of me. wrong move.


and why not come out and have a good time with all of us. . for. . MY birthday.

i apologize. i didn't realize i was obligated to be at your beck and call for social functions and dance on your command. if you're trying to make me feel guilty, it's not working. i have no guilt in situations where i've done nothing wrong. i make the decisions for myself and if there's consequences, i overcome them and move on.

in case you were wondering, i had other plans that night, which i also blew off to work on my website. no one died, and everyone made it home safely that night, even though everyone was obviously hammered and obviously drove. but this isn't a rant about my friends drinking and driving. i've learned that my opinion on that issue does not matter.


that made me upset, and it wasnt the first thing you did to make me upset, but i just brushed it off and said it was you being you.

are you trying to twist this around? are you actually seriously trying to do that? please, share with the group all the situations where i made you upset. me being me makes people upset all the time, but you don't see me screwing around with a new boo in front of an ex-fucker for six hours two weeks in a row in retaliation, now, do you?


i decided to throw nothing in your face. i met a boy, who's into me and doesnt just want to fuck.

not that i'm speaking for anyone in particular here, save for myself and what i've learned about life here on the earth, but...

every single interpersonal interaction between a heterosexual male and a heterosexual female bears an undertone of negotiations for sex. unless one or both of the parties involved is in a committed relationship and thus eliminates the potential for sex, this happens all the time, all day, every day. there's more to this, but that's the gist of it. think about it. seriously.


in fact, we have done nothing but kissed. and thats it, we have good conversation and have a good time together.

it sure sounded like you had some good times together.


someone who i dont feel like i need to impress or be extra intelligent around or who i have to figure out what they are thinking.

that is unfortunate. i love feeling like i want to impress someone i am with, and feeling like the person i am with wants to impress me. not that we would need to, that we would want to.

it's fun.

so is having intelligent conversations because you want to.

but sometimes, the most fun thing of all is being in a relationship with someone you don't need or want to figure out what they are thinking, because you already know what they are thinking...

even though trying to figure out what your partner is thinking is fun in and of itself.


no, these arent my true colors. i really do not enjoy being like this towards
someones. it kills me inside.

how unfortunate that you have to put forth effort to mess around with your new man in front of me, twice, and that you really are a nice, kind, caring person. it must really kill you inside to have to put on your mean, rotten, evil persona just to get back at me for not giving you enough affection, or whatever made you do it. twice.


you have no clue.

no, i've pretty much got you pegged.

dead on.


i can say all i want that i do not care, but really i do. i do fucking care. it eats me up. i would like to think that i am truly a caring kind nice warm person who wants only happiness for my friends.

obviously.


i get pleasure out of seeing people happy, not out of seeing people in pain. . . .

obviously.


what can i do to make this better?

nothing. you've done enough already. the situation, as it stands, is this:

if you are somewhere and i happen to show up, i will do exactly what i need to do, then i will leave.

if leaving is not an option, i will try my best to stay out of your way and not do anything to cause you to have to interact with me, mainly because i have no desire to perpetuate a friendship that has totally fallen apart.

time might heal things, but only time will tell.

for now, things are as they are, nothing more, nothing less.

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ok, now you go. - double you tea eff.


this is not good music.

you can hate me now.

check this out! it's a toilet full of poop!

welcome to central industrial. we are the future.

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