note: comments don't work until i pay $$$.
feeling: even more confused now that i've sat down and typed what i was feeling. great. hearing: plaid - rust proof clock work
this is long winded and wanders a bit...
finally my windows is back to normal from 2003, then to xp pro in spanish, now back to english xp pro.
i don't even want to mention the debacle that was the trip to the last phish show, so i'll just remark that i was turned away at the gate because of flooding for the record.
now, back to matters of the heart.
between still being absolutely terrified of a relationship and kind of wanting to fall in love again, things are a bit rough inside the old nog.
i know how i feel about falling in love. it's dangerous waters. i don't need another person to actively concern myself with at the moment. if anyone thinks that their problems are going to go away just because they have a girlfriend or boyfriend, they are sorely mistaken, and are in for a whole slew of new and complicated problems.
it might be fun to take the chance and fuck things up hardcore for a little while. one of the greatest aspects of a relationship, and most forgotten, is how it can give you serious and tangible reasons to hate a person you had only thought good things about. sure, their bad qualities exist, they always did, but once you can move beyond the casual politeness and actually spend extended periods of time together, things get hairy. not to mention the fact that whoever cares about the other person less is always in control. that's a nice mindfuck right there...
but what of it? it takes more of a man to take the chance and step blindly into the chasm than to be a loner and shut-in, right? i know how difficult it can be to be vulnerable and to open yourself up to another person, i've done it before. i could do it again, try me. if i'm not feeling up to it or don't, for some reason, trust you enough, i'll respectfully tell you to fuck off.
sometimes, doing nothing is the most difficult thing. it seems as if, after doing nothing for so long, doing anything at all becomes even more difficult. everything is relative, and there's always someone with a worse story than you.
now, back to reality...
short of murder, there's not much you can do to a person that can't be undone. who says that sex has to destroy a friendship? not i. prove to me that you're a worthy adversary and i'll fight you until i win. give me something to push against, and make sure you're pushing back or you're going to get knocked over. open your imagination to me and i'll blow your mind. hurt me, debase me, make me cry, i dare you. show me you are capable of perception of truth and i will respect you for it. show me you can hone the truth into a fine blade and cut away the bullshit and fluff to the bone and i will love you for it. realize your mind is a powerful weapon and a brilliant light and a complicated tool and a million other things for you to use or not use, at your discretion...
but i'm getting away from myself here, and the main focus when two people get together is generally to be good to each other more than half the time, and if that isn't really working out, then it's time to move on.
the key is knowing when to move on so you don't get caught in a loveless marriage hating yourself, you life, your wife, and your kids.
otherwise, you're just wasting both your time, and someone else's time.
what else could go wrong, you say?
one person caring more than the other is pretty much usual. one person caring considerably more than the other is dangerous.
being able to stop for a moment and take a step outside yourself and turn around to examine the situations you find yourself in is valuable.
i love it.
i pity those who cannot.
i mourn the loss of those who will not.
read into that as much as you like.
on second read, that last bit is pretty deep, and i've even moved into the realm of pretense by declaring myself deep.
isn't my mind fun?
this is half-planned free association with typos interspliced to break up the reader's flow...
i have a root canal tomorrow.
i have my weaknesses, and pain numbed by chemicals is not one of them. i'll be fine.
maybe it might be time, possibly, to water the seeds of a relationship and see if something beautiful grows.
besides, how are we going to be certain we aren't meant to be together unless we se what being together feels like?
and even if everything goes horribly awry, it will all blow over eventually, and we'll have something else moderately humerous to make fun of each other with.
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be destroyed by yourself - 2005-05-30